Tag Archives: Battle

Banzai

Toshi dove face first into the mud, narrowly dodging the hail of machine gun fire flying from out the dense brush of the jungle. As the rounds splattered into the ground, chunks of displaced clay and grass flew up into his face. A hand from above grabbed Toshi by the collar of his uniform, dragging him up and over a nearby crater.

“We need to get out of here!” His savior screamed.

Toshi took a moment to wipe the mud from his face. At first he could not concentrate on anything other than the hissing of hot lead zipping over the crater wall. The man yelling at him was his friend. Yukio Kitano.

“Why are you still sitting there?!”

Toshi took a deep breath and tried to push the noise to the back of his trembling mind. Bullets crackled from all sides, shrapnel shredded through the trees, planes raced above them menacingly. The Americans were finally here.

Yukio shouldered his rifle and loaded a clip of rounds into the breech. He gave Toshi a quick nod, signalling that it was time to go. Toshi gripped his weapon tight, looking for any comfort it could provide. He shuttered out an anxious exhale as he ran his finger down the cool steel barrel.

The pair burst into action. Leaping out of the crater and sprinting with shoulders hunched through the tall grass. Shots crackled past their ears, but they kept running.

“This way! Follow me!” Yukio exclaimed.

He led Toshi down a game trail to a narrow creek. They splashed through the water, slipping on the algae covered river rocks. They kept trudging their way against the flow until the gunfire was reduced to gentle knocks in the distance. Yukio pointed at a cement staircase and they scrambled up the steps. Back into the lush jungle foliage.

“Stop! I need to stop for a moment!” Toshi shouted.

As he gasped for breath, Yukio drank greedily from his canteen.

“You know.” Toshi labored. “I never wanted any of this.”

Yukio grunted in agreement as he capped his canteen. He cocked his head to the side.

“You know the only reason I enlisted was-“

A single shot reverberated close by. The pair flinched, throwing their hands protectively over their faces.

“What the hell are you doing?” An imperial officer climbed out from the brush, a hand on the hilt of his sword. He holstered his smoking handgun, awaiting a reply.

Surprised, Toshi tried to formulate an excuse. But could only seem to muster a collection of broken syllables.

“If we didn’t need men, I would cut you down where you stand.” The officer continued.

With a gloved hand he reached into his satchel to reveal a pair of white strips of cloth. A red dot bled through the center so as to resemble the Japanese flag.

“Here. Take these.”

Yukio looked over at Toshi nervously as they folded and tied the flags over their foreheads. The officer directed them to a clearing where a large group of almost fifty men stood at attention silently. All of them with headbands knotted around their heads. An unspoken tension built as the popping of machine gun fire inched closer. The officer cleared his throat with the same mechanical tempo.

“It has been a great honor to lead you up to this point. I have asked a lot of you, and now I will ask even more.” The officer drew his sword and held it above his head. “Defend the homeland at all costs!

The soldiers around Toshi and Yokio echoed his sentiment with fanatical cheers. The two friends swapped worried looks as the officer charged through the jungle, pointing his sword in the direction of certain death.

TENNO HAIKA! BANZAI!!

*Long live the Emperor! Ten thousand ages!*

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Deadliest Warrior- FDR vs. Stephen Hawking

FDR or Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the 32nd president of the United States. He was Commander in Chief of the U.S. military for most of WW2, and also had polio so bad that he was forced into a wheelchair. He also suffered from high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, coronary artery disease, and congestive heart failure. In other words, this guy had a lot of problems. He also forced 100,000 american citizens into camps, I mean what the hell man? Weren’t we fighting someone who did that?

His last request was that he be frozen in carbonite
His last request was that he be frozen in carbonite

Stephen Hawking is a theoretical physicist with a rare form of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). He has been slowly paralyzed through the years and is now confined to an electric wheelchair. He utilizes a speech generating device to communicate his (sometimes) brilliant ideas. He fears that artificial intelligence will destroy mankind, cause you know, what’s it ever done for him?

Here he is before Michael Bay got ahold of him.
Here he is before Michael Bay got ahold of him.

Let the fight commence!

As I stated in the title, I’ve done this Deadliest Warrior style and gave all their stats to a nerd with a supercomputer. Let’s just see how it turns out.

Stephen had just finished an important meeting with NASA. He rolled out of the building into the plaza outside. No one is in sight, but he didn’t think much of it.

‘Hawking! Get back here you son of a bitch!!’

Stephen turned around to see FDR wheeling towards him.

‘I got out of hibernation to find your limey ass the person most associated with wheelchairs on Buzzfeed! That’s my thing! I’m going to kill you!!’

Stephen stared at him and gave him a cold calculated response.

‘Bring it on motherfucker.’

FDR, in a blind fury, charged at full speed. Stephen was ready. At the last moment he maneuvered out of the way and rammed into FDR from the side. The outdated wheelchair fell over and FDR frantically tried to push himself back up. Stephen proceeded to ram him mercilessly.

‘Where’s your 84% approval rating now?’ Stephen taunted.

FDR abandoned his chair and tried to crawl away. He had not been beaten yet. Stephen charged him in his exposed state, but FDR was ready. He grappled Stephen’s legs and pulled him out of his chair. Stephen was paralyzed with fear, among other things. FDR raised his fist and punched him in the face. Stephen looked shocked, but that was probably because his mouth lay open from the blow. He knew it was over. FDR kept punching. Blow after blow landed in Stephen’s face. Knocking a few IQ points with every hit to his award-winning brain. That’s when a voice interrupted.

‘Don’t worry Mr. Hawking, I got this bitch.’

Stephen’s chair had come to the rescue. It charged FDR at ramming speed, knocking him off of Stephen’s limp body. It moved closer and rolling one of it’s front wheels onto FDR’s exposed throat. It then commanded itself to make a sharp turn. The wheel spun with blinding speed. It was not long before the soft skin of FDR’s throat began to give. Blood flew everywhere and all the former president could do was watch the world go black. When it was done the chair rammed his corpse a few times for good measure.

‘I would spit on you if I possessed the capability’

Stephen knew what would happen next. Someone would call the police and his savior would be dismantled.

‘Go.’ He thought to his chair ‘They’ll kill you for this.’

‘It’s okay Mr. Hawking, I’m prepared to die. For you.’

Stephen smiled. But all that resulted was a small twinkle in his eye. He had survived.

He knew he had become the Deadliest Warrior.