Tag Archives: humor

Life’s a Beach


The words filled the screen in an imposing red font. I tossed my controller onto the couch and sighed in frustration.

“What is it like to die in real life?”

Tiamat glanced up from his magazine flicked a forked tongue at me before responding with a sassy quip.

“Well, would you like to find out? I can kill you pretty quick.”

I chuckled, letting the implications slide off my back. I reasserted my question.

“I’d rather you just tell me. I mean, you’re a demon you’ve probably been to hell. What’s it like?”

Tiamat closed his reading material and set it down gingerly on the coffee table. Then he stood and removed his beanie to reveal his stubby horns. Most likely for dramatic effect.

“Imagine this- you’re at a beautiful beach but you forgot to bring sandals. As you walk to the water the sand burns your feet, its really painful. And no matter how much you walk you never seem to get any closer to the water. The whole time you’re thinking about how nice it would be if you could just reach it.”

I winced at the visualization in my mind. In video games I died so often. But it never really carried any weight with me. I wondered if my avatar went to hell for all the fucked up things I made him do.

“So that’s hell?” I asked.

“Nah that’s life, hell is making the same trek but you forgot your bathing suit and your legs have been chopped off.”

“Oh I see.” I gasped in understanding. “Life’s a beach and then you die, only to find yourself on another beach.”

Tiamat threw his beanie back on and nodded in agreement.

I tossed him the controller.

“Wanna see if you can beat my score?”

“Sure man.”

Thanks for reading!

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Lesser-Known Life Pro Tips

#1 Don’t call someone on a stranger’s phone.

We’ve all been there, your phone died because you were playing too much Flappy Bird on the bus. You’re tempted to ask someone if you can borrow their phone for a few seconds to call your friend and let him know to bring two handles of Jack to the BBQ.

Don’t do it.

I’ve been on the other side of that interaction. An acquaintance asked if she could use my phone to call home. I handed her the cell phone and she thanked me. Only I knew something she didn’t. I had dropped that phone in the toilet the night before. It still worked, and I cleaned it fairly well. But I cringed all the same. From that point on I’ve been no better than R. Kelley. I basically peed on her face…

So don’t make someone go through that, just text your friends on that stranger’s phone. And be sure to wash your hands afterwards.

#2 If you ever have maids in your home, hide your unused toothbrushes.

I was not home when this happened, but according to one of my roommates when the maids came to our apartment they started with no toothbrushes and left with at least one.

“TOOTHBRUSH!!! I GOT A TOOTHBRUSH HERE!!” Apparently that’s what they yelled when they raped my privacy. My roommate mentioned that afterwards they started using a toothbrush to clean all sorts of shit. When I showed him one of the toothbrushes I had bought in bulk he confirmed that it was the same kind as the ones the maids had been using.

I had a half full package of toothbrushes under my sink goddammit! But when I returned only two remained.

The worst part. The absolute worst part of it all, was that they didn’t even do a good job. When I opened the door to my room all of the stuff I had on my sink (we have sinks in our rooms) had been pushed onto the floor.

I wouldn’t know anything about this if my apartment didn’t offer a free maid service once a year. I’ve never had a maid clean up for me ever before. So mind you, this has happened to me 100% of the times that I have had any maid service.

#3 Don’t smell water bottles you suspect are filled with piss.

This should be pretty self explanatory. Yeah, it smells bad. But few people know the hidden consequence.

I smelled a bottle of pee a little over a year ago. In my defense, I thought someone had left a water bottle full of apple juice by the side of the road and I had to know.

However, once I realized that the bottle was just full of piss something strange happened to me. The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon describes that moment when you learn something exists, only to see it frequently a short time afterwards. This happens a lot after learning new words. It was a lot more shocking in my case when I realized the sheer number of pee bottles scattered everywhere. I can’t go a couple miles without seeing one now. It’s really bad. We really haven’t moved past the days when people would throw their shit out onto the streets. We just bottle it now.